The 10 things I need to get off my chest before the Apocalypse
Winter is here and the apocalypse is (presumably) nigh. While several very valid sources and wonderful people have discredited this interpretation of the Mayan Calendar, I can’t deny that I am still weighted with some things that I would like to clear my conscience of publicly before the asteroid hits/the dinosaurs return (personally kind of hoping for the second one if I was given a choice) in an effort to do what the Mariners offense has failed to do for the pat several years: Cover the bases. Here they are:
- I once caught a fly ball in the deep outfield (yes, I was that kid) to seal a Little League Victory. While my teammates perceived this as skill (and played it out as such) it was sadly not: being so bored in the outfield, I began to imagine that I was Link from The Legend of Zelda, and a jump coincided with the ball hitting my glove. I believe this was an act of divine power giving the nerdy kid still stuck in little league one shining moment in the sport.
- I sagged my pants for 2 additional years after it stopped being cool, and started wearing Jorts before it was hip to ironically wear them. Hard as I tried to maintain that I was dressing the right way, I was still consistently viewed as in the wrong. I was pre-teen fashions Mel Gibson.
- I once did a rap song in a church musical about Jesus wearing an old school Michael Jordan Jersey, a Tar Heels cap, and New Balances. This is where my flow* originated.
- * I don’t actually have flow, even though I’d like to believe that I do. I would consider it more of a drip. Closest comparison would be 2 Chainz, and that’s being generous.
- As a teenager I desperately tried to learn Guitar in an effort to get girls, and then furiously gave up the instrument upon realizing that I would never be able to master “Hey There, Delilah”.
- One of my internet identities as a kid was “Toastmobile13″. This moniker originally was inspired by the character in the Mary Kate and Ashley classic “Getting There” named Toast, and his car that was named the Toastmobile. (fun fact: the actor who played Toast, Jeff D’Agostino, was also in something called “Private High Musical” and his character was named Shoe.)
- In my younger days, I rode my ingenuis IM Screename “So a Guy walks into a bar and” for several months of comedic fame and fortune (lol’s from my friends).
- As a child, I believed that the Savages song in Pochahantas was about Sausages. I was very confused as to why they were oppressing and discriminating against this culture all in the name of acquiring Sausages. This further made me believe for a brief moment that the world’s dominant currency was indeed Sausages.
- I once discrimanted against someone for their beliefs: I don’t care if you think that it embodies that campy spirit of the genre, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is easily the second worst of the Indiana Jones series.
- Still very proudly know all the words to Hybrid Theory and Meteora. I couldn’t tell you what I ate for lunch yesterday, but albums I listened to 10 years ago are still completely and totally good to go.
Things that Wiz Khalifa would never say: A rant of sorts.
Some people do Cocaine. Some people play(ed) Farmville. For me, its all about Twitter. Twitter is my go to drug of choice. If I don’t tweet at least 5 times within a 24 hour period of time, I do begin to start feeling withdrawals. Not only do these stem from my enjoyment of putting things that are (in my opinion, at least) funny of some sort, but it also stems from fear of losing my all mighty following of 214 count, probably 108 of whom are spam bots wanting me to have sex with them, go to their Thai restaurant, or again, have sex with them. But because of both of these things, you will often find me on twitter almost 24 hours a day ( http://www.twitter.com/alexkummert ) I have been able to see a lot of things on twitter. Most things I like. But some I don’t, and I dislike them with a vengeance.
The first and foremost of these offenders are the numerous (!?!?!?!?!) twitter accounts that claim to be Wiz Khalifa, and from this position of so called “authority” decide to spew various pieces of advice and tips that could easily be found from a quick visit to your neighborhood Chinese Restaurant. Now I can understand that whoever created these had their hearts in the right place, but this does not answer any of my numerous questions I have, most of which will not properly fit into this blog.
Firstly, why of all people would you choose Wiz Khalifa to spew these oft heard phrases from? It just seems rather out of place. These cliches seem like something you would find coming from Danny Taylor’s mouth (even if Bob Saget is God) rather than a rapper dating Amber Rose who only has the capacity to rap about cars, money, and weed. Not only does this man not seem to be able to formulate any advice beyond “got no money, get sum”,but he also seems like someone whose advisement I would not want when it comes to my love life, among other things. I’m sorry, I just don’t imagine him sitting backstage after his shows spouting this “wizdom” to his hearts content.
I’ve received plenty of low quality advice when it comes to life, particularly my love life. When I was just beginning to realize how crazy awesome girls were, I was given the advice by a good friend of mine to write them anonymous letters. Let me be frank, readers: this shit does not work. I know its hard to believe, but this movie-ish attempt at wooing a girl at any age literally does nothing for you. They’re simply confused by why anyone would write a letter to them (soooooo 2001), and why they wouldn’t sign it if they were declaring their love. This also applies to Formspring compliments. Just don’t do them.
But back to my other question: Why are these things so popular? Why on earth is Wiz Khalifa giving advice such a big deal? I don’t understand the appeal. I understand that a prominent part of the Twittersphere is “OMG I CAN TOTALLY RELATE” type accounts and things, but these posts are often things I cannot relate to, nor would I want to. Most of them seem very blindingly obvious to me, like “if you don’t like doing something, stop. Think about it, and also stop.” Do we really need Wiz Khalifa to be a vehicle for these pieces of advice, things that we can already think of with our own common sense? Why retweet things we already know? WHY ARE THESE ACCOUNTS SO DAMN POPULAR.
Okay I have to admit, most of these parody account hatred comes from jealousy. They all have prodigious followings, while tweeting things that are either common logical assumptions, or jokes that are at least 5 years old (I’m looking at you “Will Ferrell”). But regardless, these things need to stop. They’re taking up my precious twittersphere with their garbage. Plus, really think about it: would you ever let Wiz Khalifa speak on your behalf on anything? Really?
alexkummert
